Angels at the Gate

“They are leaving a war zone and coming to people strangers and are willing to entrust us with their lives their stories their children. That takes a lot of strength. They dont know anything about us what we do how were going to treat them but they have decided it is better to leave than to stay at home ” says Renee McGill-Cox residential services director.

Women have been coming to the Domestic Violence Shelter since 1986 when the Womens Shelter of New Hanover County and the Task Force Against Family Violence merged to form the new entity. The executive director then Mary Ann Lama is still involved today as are many of the volunteers who first started with the agency.

At the beginning the agency was so busy “mopping the floors we didnt have time to turn off the faucets ” says Lama. Limited by resources and time all the staff could do was put Band-Aids on the problem; there was no time to devote to prevention.

Over the years the agency has grown to offer support groups to women of all ages from teens to seniors and outreach programs in the schools jails businesses churches courts community centers anywhere it can go to get its message out.
It is one of only two programs in the state to receive a Delta grant from the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) providing funds for a prevention specialist to monitor work in various sectors of the local community.

One of Lamas favorite outreach programs is called “Hands are Not for Hitting ” which is implemented in day care facilities and elementary schools. The program teaches children alternative ways to release anger. “I would love it if our court system would make abusers take that pledge that hands are not for hitting because its something that we should have learned as children.”

A large component of the work takes place at the agencys offices where ongoing support and empowerment groups (including one in Spanish) offer guidance and camaraderie. Lama does whatever it takes to get abused women into those rooms. She continually asks herself the question “Who isnt here and why?” and then removes the obstacles one by one offering child care providing transportation and food.

Group members in these 12-week courses learn how to understand and deal with abuse. The worsening economic climate and the increased availability of drugs and alcohol contribute to the rise in domestic violence but ultimately the abuser chooses to hurt his wife or girlfriend and not his boss a friend or himself. The roots of the issue are power and control. The shelter teaches women how to take back their power so they become survivors not victims.

To accomplish these goals the staff has created comfortable spaces for all who need help. The shelter provides the basics 19 beds are available on-site with additional arrangements in place if needed. “We want everyone to know and feel that this is their home while theyre here ” says McGill-Cox. The staff provides for the physical safety and needs of the residents which may be as simple as “I need to sleep late this morning ” or as emotional as “I need to make sure my children are okay.” Part of a womans freedom the shelter teaches is to assume responsibility and so the women do their own cooking laundry and childcare just as they would at home.

But the shelter provides more than just the basics. It offers a place for women to express themselves release their anger and find the person thats been buried for so many years. There are rooms for women to study work on creative projects exercise and meditate. The meditation room has a fountain chair blankets and a notebook for women to record their thoughts and offer hope to those who follow. “You are not alone ” these pages say over and over again. “I can make it and so can you.”

Many women cant leave their abuser on their first attempt. Statistically it takes five to seven times before a woman is able to leave for good. “We never tell a woman not to go back ” says McGill-Cox. “You cant do that because youre doing the same thing the batterer is doing.”

Although she wants these women to be safe it is more important for them to have a voice to make their own decisions. “That is the greatest part of what we do at the shelter ” she says. McGill-Cox supports any decision her residents make. She is even accepting when a woman chooses to return to the batterer. “That lets me know she trusts us. We know its going to happen again and we tell them they can come back and these are the things you need to do to be safe.” To do this they teach goal setting and how to implement a safety plan.

While the five full-time dedicated direct staff members are not licensed counselors they shoulder much of the psychological counseling both because of their experience and because of the cutbacks in the mental health system. A childrens coordinator is on-site to work with each child. For many children the work done in the shelters is not enough to recover from the scars of abuse. Many are deeply harmed and require continued psychological support.

The staff both at the shelter and at the workshops spends a lot of time teaching the dynamics of a healthy relationship. So when the residents talk about their love for their abusive partner the staff acknowledges that as a normal reaction. “Because if you didnt love him you wouldnt have stayed so long ” McGill-Cox reminds her charges. But she and her staff try to show these women that the way these men show love is not healthy.

“I want you to think about this. Does this person really know how to love and if they dont maybe they need the time to go out and learn.” She asks what they might say to a friend who tells them a story similar to her own. This is how the women begin to help each other.

To support this 24/7 work the agency turns to fundraising which makes up 63 percent of its budget while government grants contribute 37 percent. Among the biggest sources of income are the three Vintage Values Resale Shops on Castle Street College Road and at Monkey Junction. Recycled clothing items from the stores are featured in the lively annual fashion show Seasons of Love the agencys 17^th annual show is scheduled for May 9 the Friday before Mothers Day. “People are blown away at the fashion show when they see what we have at the stores ” says Lama. Some of the donated items are from retail stores and still have price tags on them.

Another large fundraiser Fathers for Hope takes place on Fathers Day when names of male contributors appear in the Star-News. “This is not just a womens issue ” says Lama. “As long as its called that men are going to be hesitant to get involved.”

Lamas favorite story is of a woman who spent time at the shelter and was packed and ready to leave. As the woman walked out the door for the last time she yelled down the hallway “Thank you for my life.”

“You just cant put a monetary value on saving a life ” says Lama. “We are the last resort for these women.” These survivors are fortunate to have a place to call home as they build up the strength and knowledge necessary to care for themselves their children and the women who follow.

Brave Women

(names changed to maintain anonymity)

Christine

Domestic violence usually sneaks up on its victims. If theyre violent one time theyre going to do it again says survivor Christine. “Theyre going to test the waters to see what youre going to put up with.”

At first Christines boyfriend promised her the world. Later the abuse started: first verbal then physical. Her boyfriend even invaded her sleeping hours waking her to question the sounds she made while she slept.

Christine was a prisoner of war. Her boyfriend would lock up the phones in the trunk of his car when she was home alone lock her in the house. He threatened her with death and outlined the details of her demise. The night that he began his final assault Mothers Day eve he grabbed their two-and-a-half-year-old daughter and told her to say good-bye to her mommy because she was never going to see her again and then proceeded to try and kill Christine.

Convinced he had succeeded he fell asleep. Christine awoke on Mothers Day to find she was still alive crept into her daughters room grabbed her snuck out of the house and went to a neighbors home and into a new life.

Christine now a UNCW student and a volunteer at the Domestic Violence Shelter wants to work with trauma victims upon graduation and talks to audiences all over the state.

Her greatest sorrow is her greatest motivator. “It is hard to know what to say when she (her daughter) asks why her daddy hurt her mommy and why she cant see him ” Christine says. To make up for the trauma in her daughters life Christine has dedicated herself to helping her grow up to be self-sufficient and empowered. “I want her to know she can make it on her own.”